I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety with this second pregnancy, so I thought writing about it could help me feel a little better. It’s not the taking care of another baby that’s giving me the anxiety but the possibility of something going wrong that has me just a bit terrified. Perhaps, it’s because there is more at stake now. I now have a toddler who adores her mama and the thought of not being the best mom I could be, for both her and the new baby, well, scares me.
What if something goes wrong? Again.
Without writing all about Ji’s birth story (I think that deserves a post of its own), I ‘ll say that it wasn’t a very pleasant experience. About an hour after I had given birth to Ji, I felt an overwhelming pain and heavy sensation down under. It turns out; I had developed two hematomas. There was lots of bleeding, and it was very complicated for the doctor to control both at the same time. I was rushed to the O.R as I was losing a lot of blood. It was about 12 hours later that I finally got to see my baby again. I survived the hematomas but what if I can’t survive a complication a second time? I would hate for something like this or worse to happen again. I have my two kids to think of now, and it would break my heart to leave them without a mommy.
18 Weeks. A reflection walk after our second trimester anatomy scan.
Postpartum Depression? Can it happen to me?
Because I lost a lot of blood after Ji’s birth and refused a blood transfusion, I felt very weak for the first month and a half. I also missed my old life. I had worked up to 70 hours a week up until two days before she was born and now I was ordered to not leave the house for a month. The doctor didn’t want to risk me getting into an accident and losing more blood. I knew that it would a month or so before I felt better and I cried a lot just hoping the 30 days would quickly pass by. I knew why I was sad, but now I fear that I will be sad for no reason at all.
What if the baby gets sick?
My biggest fear is for a newborn to get sick. Like, get a cold, the flu, pneumonia sick. When I was planning to try to have another baby, I wanted to get pregnant in the Summer so that I would have a Spring baby. Spring babies are less exposed to flu and cold season. December babies are not. Did I tell you Ji goes to daycare now and that there are like ten little kids in my family? And that some of m family members like to kiss newborns in the mouth? The thought of my unborn December baby getting sick is already giving me anxiety. Their immune system has not yet developed and I know that there is very little we can give them to make them feel better during their first weeks of life should they get sick.
When I was pregnant with my first, I knew nothing about being a parent. I have experience now; I know what can happen good or bad. It may also be because I’m older. I know that my friends in their twenty something’s although amazing moms too, worry a little less, and I envy them. I can’t go back in time and have kids at an earlier age but I want to worry less! So how can I worry less?
I have a plan!
11 Months Old. Ji got sick for the very first time the next day. She got an ear infection. I had been letting her hold her own bottle and I didn’t realize the milk was dripping down to her ear. I will NEVER make that mistake again!
What if something goes wrong? Again.
This time around, I will be more in control of my birth experience. I will speak up! I’m also planning on having doula with me through the whole process. Knowing that someone will be there to be my advocate makes me feel better already. I’m also switching care provider and hospital. I’ve done my research and feel confident that I will have a better team my side!
Postpartum Depression? Can it happen to me?
I understand that postpartum depression is very real and also very common. I’ve gathered lots of resources and know that I should speak up if I feel I need help. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
What if the baby gets sick?
You know those hospital signs that say, if you feel sick, have a cold or cough visit us another day? Where can I buy one of those? I will have no shame in hurting someone’s feelings and gently letting them know to come back another time. You know you are sick so stay away! Tdap vaccine, anyone?
So there. I’ve let out all my anxieties about having another little one. I hope I don’t sound too crazy. I’m curious to know what anxieties did you have about having a child or are having now? Let’s support each other!
-Ruby
